Ashes On My Heart

Ash Wednesday Symbol

I have previously fought our attendance at a reformed church, and a church that uses the church calendar. However, today is the start of Lent. Today is Ash Wednesday. Tonight, we will go to church where we will listen to a sermon on our sins and the darkness that led Christ to the cross. Tonight, the four of us will have crosses of ash placed on our foreheads in reminder that we are all in need of Christ’s grace. This is entrance into a grieving and humbling period in which we prepare to observe Christ’s death on the cross, and three days later celebrate His resurrection.

Over the next 40 days, I have resolved to seek Christ with all my heart. I am tired of this in-between faith I have been taking part of over the last year and a half. I am not the type to forgo material things for lent, because as I said, I have fought the church calendar. However, for the next 40 days I have resolved to give up fighting God with every ounce of my being. I will seek Him for healing of my trauma. I will grieve for my sins and the sins that have been committed against me, and I will pray to forgive. I have resolved to humble myself and listen to what He has to say to me. For the next 40 days, I will make sure my family is ready to leave for church on time, I will not complain about the church I attend or its distance from my home. I will listen to the pastor’s words to the best of my ability (with 4 year old and 6 month old in tow) and I will sing with all my heart. I will not fight my husband or speak poorly of him for any reason. I will not yell at my son and I will take the time to meet his emotional needs. I will seek God and fill the role He has for me with my whole heart. I can do anything for 40 days. For 40 days, I resolve to give myself to God. This may start as an endeavor in the flesh, but I pray God would enable me to follow Him once again through His grace.

Someone said to me that Matthew 27:27-31 is a picture of where Christ meets us in our physical suffering; of our past trauma. So I leave you with the verses:

Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole garrison around Him. And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe around Him. When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand. And they bowed the knee and mocked Him, saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” Then they spat on Him, and took the reed and struck Him on the head. And when they had mocked Him, they took the robe off Him, put His own clothes on Him, and led Him away to be crucified.

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6 thoughts on “Ashes On My Heart

  1. I am so sorry for this struggle, I feel your words. I have had my own struggles with my feelings about God. I so want to help! On the off chance that what helped me helps you too I wanted to share it. This book helped me tremendously (I am rereading it again now) Draw close to God. You can read it free online, here is the link http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/draw-close/. Also learning that the Bibles definition of faith is not the same as the dictionary (or the one commonly thought) changed my life! The Dictionary says that faith is “the unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence” But Hebrews11:1 says (King James version) “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the EVIDENCE of things not seen.” Isn’t that the coolest! Faith isn’t blind. When we feel our faith faltering it just means we don’t have enough evidence to convince us or to make sense to us. It is only a signal that we need to study and take in more knowledge, to find the proof. Anyway, I sincerely hope it helps. Know you are not alone and please don’t feel guilty for feeling you lack faith, lots of people in the Bible experienced the same thing.

    • Thank you so much! It’s cool to know that you are a believer too 🙂 I’m glad that book helped you, I will check it out for sure. Thanks for the link. Thanks for your encouragement 🙂

  2. You are brave, and you encourage me. Your desire to whole-heartedly seek God is exactly what we all need a good dose of. I will pray for you as you work through these next 40 days, but don’t beat yourself up if you slip back into old habits at some point. Changes like those you listed take time and sometimes more than just a strong resolve. I know because I often make lists (mental or written down) just like yours. We are all “works in progress”, and PTL He is not finished with us yet.
    Phil. 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

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