Eight Hundred And Fifty Nine

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Adina at 7 weeks

859 days ago, on October 5, 2011, I said goodbye to my precious second-born son, Adina. In Hebrew, Adina is a male name meaning “delicate,” and what better way to describe a 10 week baby? I know in my heart of hearts he was a boy. I’ve known all of my children’s sexes. I do not have many eloquent words today, but I desperately miss him today. I keep a journal for each of my children. I’ll share a few of the entries I’ve written for him. Here is his first entry:

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Today, Daddy and I found out I was growing you inside my tummy! We are so very excited! Let me introduce you to your family. You have the best daddy you could ever want. He is strong, funny, loving, and he will adore you more than you can imagine. You also have a big brother. I found out 2 years ago yesterday that I was growing him in my tummy! That means he is going to be about 2 years older than you. He is silly, smart, and he loves giving hugs and kisses. Then, there is Mommy. I already love you so much I could cry. Daddy and I decided we are going to wait to find out until you are born, whether you are baby girl or a baby boy 🙂

And here is the entry when we first got home after we found that we had lost him. This was a few hours before I held him in my hand.

10-5-11

We found out today that we lost you 😦 Daddy and I are so sad, and we miss you so much already. You looked so healthy on the first ultrasound. Seeing the ultrasound today broke my heart into a million pieces, when I saw that you weren’t going to be in our lives anymore. I love you, sweet baby.

Here is the entry from his due date.

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Tomorrow would have been your due date. I cannot stop thinking about the day I said goodbye to you. I held your tiny body in my hand. You were the perfect size, maybe about 2 inches long and 1 inch wide. Your arms and legs were only about a quarter of an inch long, but I could still see your beautiful fingers and toes. I hated so much saying goodbye to you, and I think about you every single day.

One of my first art journal drawings. I consciously chose not to take a photo of his tiny body because I knew I would never forget it. Almost a year later, I drew him to the best of my ability. Then I traced my hand, and then my husband let me trace his hand. Beautiful. My favorite art journal entry in the whole world.

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And here is today’s entry.

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My precious Adina. I miss you so much today. My heart has been aching for you as I watch your baby sister grow. I am missing out on holding you and nursing you. The other night, your sister was wide awake at 2am trying to play. I was doing my best to not respond to her as I fed her, and then I tried to burp her. She sat straight up and grabbed my face with both of her hands, and waited… and waited… If I made eye contact with her, I knew she would start cracking up. Instead, I closed my eyes and enjoyed her little hands on my cheeks. And I missed you. I miss you so much, my beautiful baby.

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19 thoughts on “Eight Hundred And Fifty Nine

  1. My heart aches for your loss. I dont know what more to say other than I praying. I know saying that could anger you or bless you. I hope it blesses you because I dont want to add sorrow upon sorrow.. so with that please let me add an apology just in case.

  2. I’m sorry. My sister had a miscarriage last year. I never really understood how traumatic a miscarriage is until going through it with her. Even then, I only have an outsiders perspective. My heart aches for you.

    • Thank you. I’m sorry your sister went through it. Unfortunately, it is not a commonly spoken about hurt, yet 1 in 4 known pregnancies ends in miscarriage. For the parents, the moment they have a positive pregnancy test, they view their futures as plus one- it changes every perspective.

  3. I’m so very sorry. Many don’t understand the feelings of loss of a baby in such an early stage of pregnancy. I lost my last baby at 13 weeks. That was 20 years ago and I still feel the loss. I still drive by the house where we lived then, I look at the tree that we planted in “her” memory. (Yes, I believe mine was a little girl.) Thank you for sharing this. ((hugs))

  4. I am so sorry you have had such an awful loss in your life that is still so painful for you. This is heart-wrenching. I lost a baby at 8 weeks, many years ago and it is still painful. Your art journal is so touching. Your journal to Adina is beautiful although so sad and i am so sorry. Sending my love and many hugs, Ellie xxx

    • Thank you for your support. I simply cannot bear to close down shop on that journal, as I feel just as much his mother as I do my other two who are here and breathing, and creating messes and laughs. When someone asks how many children we have though, my husband is always more forthcoming about saying, “Three, but the middle made it to heaven before us.” I hesitate and usually say two, leaving my heart broken in two.

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