Saying Goodbye

doll

I fold up the bed I meticulously created for her. I gather her clothes, dressing her in her favorite dress. Her hair is a mess, but I do my best to run my fingers through and pull it back into a ponytail.

Today I say goodbye. It is just a doll and yet, it feels like so much more. She was my childhood doll, the one I held when I was afraid; the one who kept me company at night or when I hid in the closet. She shared my dark secrets with me and her eyes recall more than I ever will.

I have felt discomfort since reuniting with her on Saturday. I had been hoping she would bring healing to the child inside, who is desperate for connection with her past. Last night, I tried to fix her hair and I removed her clothes to put on a new dress. There is blood on her.

I don’t remember the blood but the blood triggered a string of flashbacks. Now I am shaky when I see the doll because I recall just how much of my darkness and shame she was privy to. All of a sudden her sweet face looks demonic and her body feels violated.

I must say goodbye to her. But I say goodbye to more than just her. I’m not sure I can verbalize it just yet. My inner child is crying out and is desperate for her doll, but I must find a different way to soothe her. This doll is too painful. And yet, letting go is painful; my inner child feels I am abandoning her like I am abandoning the doll.

… And I might be desperately trying to do just that.

Her jacket is on and I give her a hug. It’s time to go to a new home. Stay safe, sweetheart. I love you.

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12 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye

  1. I don’t have words adequate enough to express what I am feeling having read this, but this touched me deeply, feeling both your pain and relating it to my own. I’m so sorry that this brought so many painful memories back for you. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love xx

  2. I’m no therapist but I had a thought that might be worth discussing with yours. What if your adult self cared for the needs of doll as an act of healing your wounded inner child

  3. There are things in our past that we have to let go so that we can heal. Even though they may have comforted us then, they become a trigger to bring us back to that place of brokenness. All things become new in Christ. We have to remember that and let go of the old. I will be praying for you!!!

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