Undesired Effect of Forgiveness

dissociation 3

Dear (Abuser),

I forgive you. You are so wounded that I truly believe you don’t recall what you did to me. I forgive you for … I forgive you for … I forgive you because Jesus forgave my sins. I forgive you because

… and then I completely dissociated. I came to on my bed curled up shivering and tingling. The last thing I remember, I was in the rocking chair watching a video with my husband at his computer.

My husband suggested I start writing letters like this everyday, and forgiving my abusers everyday. He said I may not mean it at first but that eventually I would, because God would help heal my heart. I am trying this because I am desperate. My EMDR therapist said I am the only person she’s ever spoken to with complex trauma who wants to dive in head first and process trauma. I am trying anything and everything. My husband told me to try his way. This also includes an intake tomorrow at a nationally recognized Christian counseling center. I will continue to go to my regular therapist, but I will try this place for at least three sessions. My husband’s way is through talking openly about my faith, and bringing Christ into the therapy room… bringing Christ into my healing. I guess it’s time but talking forgiveness is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

This is the second time I dissociated today, but the first that rendered me completely without memory. The first time, I ended up curled up on the floor, and then I ate over half a can of this:

nutellaI have a terrible stomach ache

First photo credit: http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2010_12_12_archive.html

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6 thoughts on “Undesired Effect of Forgiveness

  1. My heart feels for you (and my stomach)! I hope you find some relief. I like what you said about diving in head first. I feel that way too. Sometimes I think it is good and sometimes I need to learn patience. Remember true forgiveness is not excusing the wrong but letting go its control of you. I know you know that already and I know that is easier said then done. Hang in there.

    • haha regarding the stomach comment! I love this, “Remember true forgiveness is not excusing the wrong but letting go its control of you.” My anger and unforgiveness drive me, and it’s very scary sometimes. I believe you and I have a drive to feel better, and that will serve us well. Healing does take time (a lifetime)… one step at a time. Sometimes a baby step. Sometimes a crawl.

  2. Now I know why I’ve been praying so much for you lately! We are similar in that we both are willing to “dive in” so to speak. There’s no healing for the things we won’t face. When God takes me through a time thats raw with emotion I lean on the scripture that says”for the joy set before Him He endured the cross” For me that means there’s joy on the other side!

    • Thank you so much for your prayers, it means the world, especially being that you are a complete stranger feeling called to pray for me. That scripture also means a lot to me, and I read it as Christ going to the cross for me because he was joyfully carrying out God’s plan for me. for me. I have to remember that God loves me so much He sent His Son for… for me. It’s so hard to believe sometimes. It feels like maybe God was like, “Oh alright, you can hop on the back of the trailer… but you have to hang off the back of the trailer holding onto the jump rope, while you try to stay upright on your roller blades or skateboard.”

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