Rapid Cycling

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I am unsure what exactly is causing this, but I have been rapid cycling the past few days… and not quite in a bipolar way; I do not have bipolar or any form of a mood disorder! I am going from bouncing off the walls and screaming with joy (which my son is quite enjoying), to being curled up in a ball afraid of the world, to crying as hard as I can, to yelling, to crying, to bouncing off the walls… mostly partially dissociated. All in a matter of an hour! I’ve had several triggers this week, both personal and professional, and I wonder if my mind has just reached a sort of max. Or maybe it’s simply trying to cope with the news that I’ve agreed to stop seeing Therapist #1 for a few months. She is a major safety, where my transference goes. My inner child needs to be on her couch- I need to sit and cry (crying is a quite recent symptom for me too) and become dizzy and go mute, and then pull out of it in the hour and a half I see her. I have never left her office in a daze because I feel safe. I always leave with a smile and a juice box- sometimes she gives me two juice boxes! Any anxiety left over on the drive is taken out on the straw that is chewed unrecognizable by the time I pull into my driveway. Then I am fine for a few days.

Therapist #1 has recommended that I begin an intensive outpatient therapy of sorts, with therapy 3x a week (which she cannot accommodate), a DBT support group, and a psychiatrist. She wants me to go on the waiting list at a nearby hospital’s mental health program. This is what I would recommend for a client going through what I am attempting to manage. My husband and I have discussed this at length and we just cannot afford to do this. We have decided to try an unconventional route… I am hating the Christian counseling center; it triggers me to no end, and renders me incapacitated to drive home. The only reason I made it home after session last week was because I was clutching my son’s Lego as hard as I could into the steering wheel (a grounding technique I learned with Therapist #2- whom I am not seeing regularly either- that I’ve taken to a whole different level).

But this is why my husband feels it is important for me to push through, and I quite agree with his reasoning. Driving into the parking lot alone is causing a resistance like none I have ever experienced. I do not want to be there. And that is precisely why my husband feels I need to be there. We will try this for a few months, but we cannot afford weekly therapy. We’ve done weekly for a year and just cannot afford it anymore. We will do every other week at this place, and see where my mental health is afterwards. If I deteriorate further (not sure how much more deterioration I must endure in order for a potential hospitalization, which will undoubtedly affect my career), we will then do everything in our power to get me into a psychiatrist and into a more intensive therapy.

After these sessions, I will do what I need to do to drive home. If I need to sit in the parking lot for a bit, that’s fine. If I need to bring my own juice boxes, I will. If I need to bring a snack to break the dissociation, I will. If I need to cry or call my husband, I will. It’s an hour drive so I will do what I need to do to make it home safely.

Therapist #1 is still available by scheduled phone calls. She is still there. I am not walking away myself, nor am I being abandoned. And yet I am still rapid cycling to an extent I can barely control. It’s time for me to cry a little before I teach my son to do front flips on his bed, or jump from his bed into a pile of blankets and pillows. This is better than being incapacitated, but my goodness. I am not a mother, I am a child! I am 7. I am 7.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. – Ephesians 6:12

Photo credit: http://hypnobeast.com/all/swag/hypnosis-spirals/

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11 thoughts on “Rapid Cycling

  1. I’m sorry your world is spinning at the moment. You are dealing with so much, it’s not surprising that you’re rapid cycling at the moment. Rapid cycling can also be a symptom BPD, not just bipolar. Has this been explored by your mental health practitioner or therapist? It’s ok to be 7 sometimes too. Hugs to you, Ellie xxx ❤

  2. I am doing the same thing at the moment. It is a critical part of PTSD that so many people neglect to mention- I think it’s because triggers hit in waves, and sometimes the waves are really severe. I don’t believe in BPD as a diagnosis anyway- I suspect it is misdiagnosed PTSD, in so many cases. As a heads-up, over here in the UK I told three psychiatrists everything and they had no clue what was wrong with me. Talked to the psychologist just once- PTSD, straight away, confirming everything I had been thinking for a while. Keep fighting the good fight, we are all behind you. xx

    • You are right, BPD is almost exclusively caused by severe trauma. It’s bizarre that three psychiatrists couldn’t diagnose you with PTSD… Thanks for the support! xx

  3. I too am concerned for the rapid cycling you’re experiencing. I’m also concerned about the changes in therapists. I’m wondering if your alter parts are really fighting integration. I’m not a trained professional but could it be possible? You mentioned the spiritual aspect of things a few posts back. Could this be a partial component? We are born with 1 spirit. But when we experience trauma and that spirit fragments into parts to cope and survive.Now you are working toward healing by integration. Could it be that the fragmented parts are just plain scared of not surviving in the here and now too? If so maybe it would help to speaks to those scared parts telling them they will become a part of your original soul, spirit, and core. I dont know I’m just thinking out loud. But I think it could potentially slow down the rapid cycling. maybe right? I just want the best for you and I’m still praying. Somehow God has place me on assignment for you my blogging friend

    • I just re-read what I wrote i hope you don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I’m not implying anything like DID. I’m just simply saying its important to honor all of the feelings that you have been experiencing. Speaking to the scared little girl along with all the reasons she’s scared and upset just may be calming for her. Lord I’m so sorry for how I phrased my comment.

      • Thanks 🙂 and no offense taken. I don’t think I officially have DID, but I connected with what you wrote because I definitely at least have DDNOS. And I completely agree with you, I believe that’s exactly what is going on. However, I’ve never been diagnosed by a psychiatrist so I am hesitant to announce that my little fragmented parts are terrified and going bonkers. Also, my primary therapist is very safe so my parts are upset to lose her. The EMDR panicked the integration aspect and sent my parts (I am not confident to say they are alters) into a spiral as integration began (via recovered memories).

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