Attached

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I decided to find another therapist

This time a Christian and a specialist

She explained dissociative disorders

In a way that was less frightening

And gave tips on teaching my son to be mindful

I walked away both comfortable and okay

And as for my primary therapist

I guess it’s time to say goodbye

I cried in front of her a few times

That’s so rare.

I mean really really cried in front of her

She normalizes my struggles as a parent

Normalizes my struggle with self-harm

The part of me that carries anger

Trusts her.

So rare.

She normalizes my transference and says

“You can always keep me in your back pocket”

When I am dissociated

She teaches me to walk down into the dungeon

And pull my little girl out

She addresses my little girl

And that is what I need at times

She gives me a juice box and sometimes two

Last time even a granola bar

Because I didn’t eat breakfast

And now I must say goodbye

I felt so safe with her

When do you choose to find someone new

When the choice is safety versus

More specialized treatment?

Will I heal with this new person?

Or will I fall apart with every

time I must separate from someone I trust

For the rest of my life?

Am I making a good choice?

What if I miss her?

Am I stupid because I have attached?

I quit once because I realized I was attached

And now I must leave for good

Where will the rage inside go

If I am not safe anymore?

I need a hug.

And. My. Therapist.

Photo credit: http://the1bookblog.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html

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7 thoughts on “Attached

  1. Every step you take must be a step of faith. It takes courage to do something you hope is in your best interest. Keep going in this new direction until you cant go any further. and again I’ll be praying

  2. You must have faith and courage to take these new steps. Just keep going and on the way your questions will be answered.
    I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my eye (Ps 32:8)
    ‘A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps’ (Pro 16:9). Notice the word ‘step’. Our God directs our steps.
    Jeremiah 29:11, ‘ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope’

    Happy Easter

  3. This is so heartfelt and touching. I’m so sad you had to leave your first therapist. That must been agony, especially with attachment issues to deal with. I really hope your time with your new therapist will be beneficial and that you come to trust her with your inner feelings and continue to make progress. My thoughts and prayers are with you. BIG HUGS to you xxx

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