I let it out. A few days ago.
That overwhelming urge to start bawling. And I sobbed for hours. I couldn’t stop. I sobbed in the car. I sobbed at the restaurant. I sobbed at the library. And I sobbed at home.
When I was finished, I felt like I was going to throw up. But my heart was at peace. Then I walked over to my bookshelf and pulled out a book I’ve had for a while but have never read. It’s called Why? By Anne Graham Lotz. This paragraph struck me to the core:
Have you finally concluded that your situation is impossible and that if He doesn’t help you, there will be no help? Have you finally reached the place where you have no one and no help- except Jesus? Then you may be close to experiencing the purpose for His delay, which may be to develop your faith in Him, and Him alone.
I believe this is where I am at, and was what part of what I was crying out the other night. I have no other options. Nothing else is working. If God doesn’t come through and give me peace soon, I might explode. Or go homicidal. Or suicidal. Or just go crazy. Seriously. PTSD is rough.
I have felt more at peace since letting go of this emotion. I feel calmer. I have been seeking God more, and I have felt His presence. It’s been so long since I actually felt safe in His presence and could hear His still small voice. It is comforting.
Maybe God has me in this desperate situation so that I realize I cannot (cannot) live without Him. My conversion was not as dramatic as many others (wow does my husband have an awesome conversion story); I feel as if one day I was walking alone, and the next day I was reading my Bible with interest and wonder. Therefore, maybe God is using these circumstances to bring about a sense of urgency to my walk that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. Without these circumstances maybe I’d forever be a lukewarm Christian. Someone recently said that she only knew of one other person with my dissociative diagnosis, and that person had the strongest faith she had ever seen because the woman had to work for it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that trademark. But I do know I cannot survive these trenches without my God. I am done half-asking for God’s help; I am on my knees telling Him I absolutely cannot do this without Him. Maybe this is where He wants me.
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. (Psalm 57:1 ESV)