For today, I resolve to:
Speak positively of everyone
Use gentle words with my husband
Listen to my son when he speaks
Breathe before I speak or act
Seek health in my friendships and relationships
Set my mind on things above
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. -Proverbs 31:26
Photo credit: http://annawrites.com/blog/2013/08/14/real-family-real-sacrifice-whats-that-about/
Which one do you like best? This is going to be the cover of my book. If a real publisher picks it up (in which case I’m sure I will not get to pick the cover, but covers are fun anyway!), I’ll probably use my real name to publish. If I end up self-publishing, I think I’ll use this pseudonym… unless, before then, I can get my husband to agree to having “Genesis” in the name bank for our next daughter 😉 I am reading through one more time, and will add one or three more scenes where I see fit. Then, I’m moving onto the sequel!
I surprised myself today when I opened the file containing my novel (so surprised that I promptly minimized the document and started a blog post!). I have not worked on my novel in at least a year… partially due to lack of time and exhaustion, but mostly because I feel I need to make a conscious effort to only write when I am doing well emotionally. I do not want my elaborate fictional world to become a sanctuary for me, because I have seen fictional sanctuaries become prisons to the hurting person. I want to be able to make the choice to walk into my fictional world and write, and I want the choice to step out of it when I need to.
The fact that I even opened the file means I am reaching a sort of homeostasis. Thank God. It has been a while since I have felt stable for several days in a row! My house is cleaner than it has been since I was nesting and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my daughter. My son is well-groomed with a fresh haircut done by yours truly (with help of clippers and four different number settings), no wax in his ears, and clipped nails. His 4T winter clothes have been replaced by his size 5 (this boy is tall and skinny) summer wardrobe. I have done schoolwork with my son every day this week. I was even considering dusting because I’m caught up on the clutter!! Strange… I have also been doing regular devotions, and am doing this: http://31dayswithgod.wordpress.com/
I don’t know why I have had the energy or sound mind to complete these tasks, but it almost feels as if my family is normal. I feel slightly uneasy because I don’t know how long it will last, and I know that a single trigger could send me into deep despair. But I am enjoying feeling normal. I am thinking about how I want to enhance my already completed novel, and pondering whether I will have the courage to attempt publication this time. I am brainstorming my afternoon with my kids and writing a grocery list. I have also topically applied the essential oil “Balance”… we’ll see how it goes.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, of power, and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7
Photo credit: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/01/21/1057124/-We-re-going-to-write-a-novel-Part-4
I watched from a distance as the prisoner walked into the room looking somewhat deflated. It made sense though, because he was being put to death. And I had every intention on watching. I noticed he was not being restrained in any way, but I felt safe because he was across the room. Suddenly, the prisoner began walking towards me. I motioned to the reporter, who told me to relax because she had a stun gun. I told her to use it but she laughed it off. I told her that the prisoner was coming for me and she still refused to use it on him. In an instant, he had pushed me against the wall and had his arms around my neck choking me. The reporter stunned him and he fell to the ground. I escaped and began running away. Suddenly, over the intercom system I heard, “The prisoner has broken free!” Should I hide in the building? Should I hide in my car? Or should I get in my car and drive away? I knew he was looking for me.
The prisoner is no longer contained. He is free. How will I know I am safe? How can I keep tabs on my prisoner? Will he come after me? Should I run? Should I hide? Should I shout for others to take cover? I was hoping he’d die in his prison cell.
Photo credit: http://rapgenius.com/Trae-im-on-20-lyrics#note-1572252
My world is about order and control. Perhaps you wouldn’t realize this if you saw the dishes piled on my sink or the dirty bathroom, but it’s true. That’s why this PTSD is affecting me so severely. I am unable to control my feelings or contain my mind, and the lack of control is driving me crazy! However, if I want to heal I must learn to relinquish control in favor of finding new ways to cope… creative ways I never learned in grad school.
Today, I was looking for a coping skill. I have several essential oil samples that I’ve been smelling today because I am still wary of putting them on my skin. They have helped, but I’m thinking this is more due to me deep breathing than the healing power of a scent. I decided to color, and found a nice and orderly page that even had a color code box. I had colored for about 30 seconds when I heard my son in the next room. I recognized that I should be playing with him, and so with slight panic of relinquishing control to a four year old, I asked if he wanted to help me color. Of course he was delighted to spend time with me, and he quickly had other plans that did not include anything close to the color code.
What resulted was a beautiful picture that I am proud of because we worked on it together. It is an unusual combination of colors and coloring talent (him being far more talented at coloring than me!), and the picture is filled with conversation about colors, taking turns, sharing, and thankfulness.
My box of healing includes the therapies and coping techniques I learned in grad school, but after 3 years of this kind of therapy it is just not helping. It is time to step out of the box. I am working to bring order into my day, even if it includes a very small (but always reachable) to-do list. I am using grounding techniques using all of my senses, and instead of shutting down I am trying to step into my children’s worlds. That means focusing on my son’s words and play instead of mentally calculating when I will have time to cut his hair next, and trying not to steer him into the bathroom to clip his nails or gently swab that never-ending glub of wax that seems to always be at the base of his ear canal. It means taking a deep breath and allowing him to push his matchbox cars through the dried-out playdough instead of immediately throwing it into the trash. It means smiling at my daughter and smelling her and touching her skin while she nurses, instead of checking my email. It means listening to my husband when he is speaking, and joining him in conversation. It means enjoying my family, enjoying my life. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment a time. One breath at a time.
What I’m hoping will result is a beautiful picture that could not have been predicted by my mental coloring codes, with scribbles where I wanted straight lines, and sudden color changes where I was expecting consistency. But I’m hoping it will be a picture full of color and full of life. And full of healing. Mostly, full of peace.
Life and PTSD 