I have been very quiet on here lately because we’ve been keeping the pregnancy quiet- and that’s all I want to blog about! I am 12 weeks 5 days pregnant, and due at the end of March 2015. We were able to see the baby on ultrasound yesterday, and he (or she) was hanging upside down kicking his legs, completely oblivious to the outside world.
We are a little overwhelmed at the prospect of having three babies to take care of, but excited- both at the very same time! I have quit therapy because of the new baby, though. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. My therapist is a trauma therapist, and I do not want to process my trauma while I am pregnant. It’s hard enough to keep my emotions in check with ginormous hormones and a big fat belly, so I think I’ll spend the next year focusing on what she has taught me. We will keep in contact, and perhaps in the future, if I need it, I will return to finish what we started.
Right now, I am focusing on meeting my children’s needs and trying to get food on the table regularly- meals is my Achilles heel. We are also now the proud owners of TWO businesses, one of which has been running for the past two generations. My husband is the third generation to take it over. We are excited but again, overwhelmed! 🙂
I am also strongly considering changing my blog url and my username. I am ready to move on from being identified with my mental illness. I still want to bring awareness to it, but I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I want my blog to reflect this. I am tired of dwelling on my struggles. I am ready to move forward and focus on my health, not my past.
I will post on my half marathon next. It was quite an experience!!!
I would start this at the beginning of my day , but my days have no beginning. I’ll start at my shower.
Get in the shower. Become flooded with flashbacks. Succumb to flashbacks. Inevitably hear, “WIIIPE! Wipe me! Mommy, WIIIPE me!” Half dry off to wipe a hiney. Finish shower. Do about 15-20 minutes of learning time with child. Clean a room. Fall asleep in the hallway, half listening for the baby to wake up, half trying to play trains and cars. Succumb to flashbacks in my dreams. Wake up to a crying baby and a child tripping over me. Ask baby where this lengthy nap was during the night! Nurse baby. Feed child lunch. Nurse baby. Put baby down for lengthy nap (again, where was this last night?). Play with child. Get ready for work. Nurse baby. Put on professional and outgoing mask. At work, feel the confidence I ought to feel everywhere. Teach people coping skills that I refuse to implement in my own life. Go home. Succumb to flashbacks. Nurse baby. Make feeble dinner for the family. Nurse baby. Put baby down for nap. Attempt to converse with husband. Get child a bath or shower, and start stories. Nurse baby. Finish stories. Put baby to bed. Attempt to converse with husband. Go to bed. Succumb to flashbacks. Nurse baby. Baby gulps three times, unlatches, and passes out. Spray baby (my body doesn’t respond to only three gulps very well). Go to bed. Nurse baby. Go to bed. Succumb to flashbacks. Hear *thunk. thump thump thump thump*. Roll out of bed in time for a child to dive onto my pillow, legs flailing on husband’s face. Watch husband sleep through it. Give husband a dirty look for sleeping through it. Take child back to his own bed/go to the twin bed in the nursery. Nurse baby. Wonder why she’s not sleeping. Nurse baby. Watch baby smile and then poop. She’s awake now (it’s 3am)! Watch baby as she works on her rolling over skills (glad one of us is rested enough to work on milestones). Nurse baby. Co-sleep from exhaustion. Wake up to see if I rolled on baby. Nurse baby. Finally coherent enough to think to de-booger her nose. She can finally breathe but is fully awake now (it’s 6am)! Watch baby work on her rolling over skills. Baby starts to yawn at 7am. Child wakes up. Wake husband up. Family breakfast. Put baby down for nap. Take a shower.