Happily (For Now) Not Featured On Freshly Pressed

Stella, at http://finallyspeakingmytruth.com/, has become a very dear friend and has graciously nominated me for the Not Featured On Freshly Pressed Award.

I am very new to the blogging world and have only been to the Freshly Pressed page maybe three times. I had no idea there was an award associated with it, and I had no idea there was an award for those who were not associated with it! With the research (ie. Google “Freshly Pressed Award”) I have done in light of this nomination, I have found that the posts featured on this page get upwards of 30,000 viewers. That would be a lot of people reading about my diagnosis, poor coping skills, and shame! While my goal is to increase mental health awareness, I’m not sure I am ready to expose my vulnerability to that many people. I had a full-blown meltdown the day I had 256 views!

Maybe one day I’ll be ready for that many views, but today I am content with what I currently receive. Here are the blogs I’d like to nominate for this award. I read every word of these blogs and appreciate all they have to say about their journey towards healing.

Afraid To Tell – http://afraidtotell.wordpress.com/ (I encourage you to read The Shadows)

Erica Belle – http://ihurtericabelle.wordpress.com/

Ellie Sophia – http://elliethompson.wordpress.com/

RULES FOR NOMINEES

1. Select the blog(s) you think deserve the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award”.

2. Write a blog post and tell us the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required- and ‘present’ the blog(s) with their award.

3. Include in your blog post a paragraph about why you’d like to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed OR a paragraph on why you couldn’t care less about Freshly Pressed. Up to you

4. Let the blog(s) that you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the instructions with them- (please don’t alter the instructions or the badge!)

5. Come over and say hello to the originator of the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award” via this link:http://DonCharisma.org/2014/01/01/the-im-not-featured-on-freshly-pressed-award

6. And as a winner of the award- please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award, and then PROUDLY display the award on your blog.

7. If you ever do get officially “Freshly Pressed” then take down this award badge and display the official “Freshly Pressed” badge instead.

The damage is done

It took a lot of courage to start a blog about my struggle (and as a result, my family’s struggle) with PTSD, and I’m not sure what I was thinking when I promptly told my real world that the blog existed… and as a bi-product, I told my world about my diagnosis. Not long after I posted the link, I began to deeply regret sharing; it’s that feeling of shame eating away at me. I’ve quickly become a part of this beautiful community of bloggers with a PTSD diagnosis; they all write under pseudonyms and if their family knows the blog exists, they have never read it. After nearly three weeks of my blogging, I can see why. I set out to make mental illness easier to talk about, but my posts on this blog have been careful; I cannot share so much of myself or I will just make myself more vulnerable than I already am.

But, the damage has been done so I may as well share. I am sharing because it has wreaked havoc on my family. I keep telling myself that we will come out stronger on the other side… but what if there is no other side? My therapist keeps telling me I need to learn to live with it, and learn to accept that I will always have these, at times, debilitating symptoms. Once I accept, then I can move forward with learning to manage.

It is embarrassing to admit to people I see every day that when my son runs and jumps on me from behind, instead of playing with him, I curl into a ball, cover my ears, close my eyes and cry. Or when my husband uses a certain tone, I hide- again, in a ball with my ears covered and eyes closed. I close my eyes so I don’t see the flashbacks, but they’re in my mind so I see it more readily. I cover my ears so I don’t hear my flashbacks, but they’re in my mind so I hear them more readily. I curl up so I don’t feel my flashbacks, but it makes no difference. My husband is afraid to listen to music in the car because he never knows when he’ll look over to see me dissociated because of a certain song. I never know when I will be triggered, and I may end up in my car in the parking lot at Target in tears because something as simple as the way someone was walking triggered me.

I am so busy surviving that it is a struggle to socialize or clean the house. It takes everything I have to meet my children’s needs.