I decided to find another therapist
This time a Christian and a specialist
She explained dissociative disorders
In a way that was less frightening
And gave tips on teaching my son to be mindful
I walked away both comfortable and okay
And as for my primary therapist
I guess it’s time to say goodbye
I cried in front of her a few times
That’s so rare.
I mean really really cried in front of her
She normalizes my struggles as a parent
Normalizes my struggle with self-harm
The part of me that carries anger
She normalizes my transference and says
“You can always keep me in your back pocket”
When I am dissociated
She teaches me to walk down into the dungeon
And pull my little girl out
She addresses my little girl
And that is what I need at times
She gives me a juice box and sometimes two
Last time even a granola bar
Because I didn’t eat breakfast
And now I must say goodbye
I felt so safe with her
When do you choose to find someone new
When the choice is safety versus
More specialized treatment?
Will I heal with this new person?
Or will I fall apart with every
time I must separate from someone I trust
For the rest of my life?
Am I making a good choice?
What if I miss her?
Am I stupid because I have attached?
I quit once because I realized I was attached
And now I must leave for good
Where will the rage inside go
If I am not safe anymore?
I need a hug.
And. My. Therapist.
Photo credit: http://the1bookblog.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html